another guy, kaitlyn?

^^^ not really. it's complicated. if anyone could give me feedback, that would be amazing. but it's just that i don't really like... Jasper (psuedonym)...? I don't nessacarily like him, actually. Just that whenever i''m around him it feels like i do and secretly, i like it. Because i want nothing more than to be able to like him. on paper, or the folds and caverns of my mind, he's perfect for me, singer in a band, atheist, funny... but i'm scared. After i dated halloween guy for three days (I broke it off) i feel like i'm unloveable, destined to be forever alone, because the second i start dating someone two seconds ago i really liked, i lose intrest. and it's a horrible thing, and i do like him, in the darkest parts of my mind, i do. Because i wish i could properly. i want to be able to want to be around him still, and all of it. for example: he usually has a very monotonous voice, and then recently when he's around me it turns softer, less guarded and obviously, more vulnerable. i cringe away from this silently because of how i'm scared almost for him that i'll brak him like i've broken everyone around me.

The Internet

the internet is easily the thing that will be the demise of everyone one day, i think. i watched a documentry on Jack White (who recently became a secret idol of mine), Jimmy Page and another guy although i forgot his name, he was the guitarist for u2. Jack White isn't into the whole technology scene, and i can respect that. Facebook, i can barely stand becasue of how it is just a place for judgement. i do enjoy blogging though, for some reason. i didn't tell anyone about this blog so no one i knew could read it, just random strangers to read my inner most personal thoughts. Jack White made a sort of backwoods guitar that i instantly fell in love with for some reason, better than a strat. it was cool. i also just got the internet turned back on so i'm not writing this from my droid.

no strings attached

I broke up with my boyfriend of about three days an hour ago. Purely because I had an epiphany, which was that I don't want to date anyone. I really like being single and flirting but I was miserable in that relationship. I don't wasn't it to be awkward so I told him it was because my sisters dad found out and freaked out. But, he wouldn't care, really. My epiphany was essentially that I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone no matter who they are because of how my childhood went. It was brutal and now I am destined to be forever alone and I have accepted such a thing and an okay with it. I like flirting and I like having no strings attached. I am afraid of commitment. I have just really realized it, I am afraid of commitment. it is already nice to know it. Bad to realize I'm terrified of it and.... Am forever alone, now. Thanks, life.

Happy halloween!

So I hung out with my crush on halloween, and the entire night we holding hands and it was super adorable. I had borrowed his beanie because my ears were cold and I accidentally still had it when we parted ways, and over text of said something along the lines of ohmygod sorry I have your hat! Then a few texts later, and suddenly, I'm in a relationship. I'm confused because I'm a relationship virgin so to speak and have no idea what I'm doing. At all.

halloween is almost upon us!

So I was going to dress up for halloween. Now the only costume I wanted to wear is also the costume-of-choice for this unattractive girl that always wears short shorts but is very overweight and is known as a slut. I don't want to be this anymore because she is. I despise her for absolutly no reason except for her choice of attire and her indignancy towards realizing she isn't cute and has some acne to clear up. Other than that she is a harmless snob. Now? I'm not going to be anything for halloween. I will show up in a cute little number (I honestly don't understand this expression) paired with my new half-off-designer shoes and go as a homo sapien sapien. Oh well. At least I save money on costumes.

update?

So... the guy from the other posts. Well, he's still okay, I guess. He came up to me out of nowhere and hugged me, and I was totally stoked. But that's more of an update on the supject for (if anyone is reading this) that liked it? I don't know. ;) and there's this other guy that I have been friends with since the seventh grade and I really like being friends with him. But honestly, recently I started liking him and I just... I ... dont't know what to do either. Any help?

No resolve

I thought my respond was steeled against taking to the guy but no! I cracked the second he texted, flirty as possible. I didn't mention the incident wroth the other girl which I think makes him think I don't know..... what do I do tomorrow? I'm perpetually screwed as far as love lives go.

Wind

I am definitely wind. Kazè means wind in japanese. I wouldn't have an explanation for why even if I did know how to prove this. But if I were anything, I'd be wind. Today has ben an emotional roller coaster, and unlike other people, I oppress nothing. So I found out the guy I like made out with someone that wasn't me. It's not like we were dating... If anything I have definitely not gotten over it, just set it out of my emotions along with everything else making me painfully numb. I don't know how to think our feel. It's funny because I can still smile. I'm just so used to having life be so painful that I have perfected a smile that is very convincing. The other day, the same guy told me I was cute... Cute? Cute like... What? Besides the shady compliment that had literally came out of nowhere, I had blushed. Everyone noticed the blush. Everyone laughed about out but all I could think was.... I was blushing? I never blush. I don't know why, I just don't. I covered my cheeks and there it was, my cheeks were burning and prominently flushed. I had never blushed around the guy who I had previously thought I was in love with. Of course that was the cheap middle school version of love. Just the fact that I was blushing......

How am I supposed to feel?

It's freshman year! about two months in and two days before my birthday. The guy I have liked since the start of the year or shortly after was seen making out with some girl. I'm numb. how am I supposed to feel about that? He said it was just a hookup type thing and meant nothing.. I'm glad though that I stayed home from school with a sick feeling. I can't seem to put a facial expression on my face. I wish I would cry... or do something, but I am lost. What does anything mean? Was I so naive to fall for someone like that? I would hope not, but I'm so confused. What now? How do I respond to this? I heard this through a trusted source and I bet he doesn't know that I know... How do I act?